I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
So vagazzling was a success
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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