New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Randomize
