ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
