He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
