I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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