My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Randomize
