We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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