I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
