it's too hot outside to masturbate.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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