dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
