dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
