If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
