"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
