I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
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