yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
