she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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