My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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