my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
