Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
