well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
