got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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