How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
