Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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