Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
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