Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
