I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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