I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
