So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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