I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
