I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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