There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize