You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize