i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
