Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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