if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i think i have herpe
just one?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
