My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
