still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
