Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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