He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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