Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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