Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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