did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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