I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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