Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
