whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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