Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize