I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
