What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
