I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
