I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize