i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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