There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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