on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
