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I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
