Barsexuality is the new black.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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