it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
