and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
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