No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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