It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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