Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
